whispered love




Something it took me a long time to learn (and I'm still learning): that love is not only saying 'I love you' but becomes true in practical action. And in practical action we may become more of the whole of who we are.

I feel called to be a kind of nun (but probably not in the conventional sense), and a big part of that involves a sense of 'devotion' in the biblical sense, and devotion in prayer; and also, belonging to one another, in a community of sisters who share a sense of this calling and devotion of being offered to God.

At the same time, I wonder if I could become a sort of working nun: living outside convent life and working as a nurse. At the moment (2010) I am a healthcare worker in a critical care unit. It's practical, challenging, rewarding. (In 2014 I qualified as a nurse.)

But everything I do at work, I do from inside a sense of identity as a nun. I secretly identify as a nun as I do it. I don't know how or why, but it just helps me so much and liberates me. I feel like I find myself and it makes me happy.

I hope I can continue to grow into the wholeness of this vocation I feel. I don't think it will be a normal vocation, because I have a life and commitments and responsibilities outside the convent walls. I hope I always belong to the fellowship of a convent though.

Whatever work I do, I hope I may serve God in quietness and trust.

When I reflect on devoting my life to God as a nun, I feel as if I find myself, and it makes me feel really happy. I'm not trying to 'escape' or 'run away'. I want to explore courageously into all the becoming it may involve for me, and the relationships, and the creative love involved in community and day to day work in the world. The call to be the whole of who God made us to be is bound to be challenging, changing, and yet I think joyful too.

I feel my God calling me, it's a lifelong thing really... but vocation is explored, and may take time, and needs discernment and honesty, involving others, not just yourself. It's a journey you share with others. Meanwhile, and into the future, my work is an expression of practical love and in doing it, to a great extent, I may find more of myself. So to me, whether working in a hospital, or practising contemplation in the chapel, they can both be part of an experience of God's sharing, and part of vocation and who God invites us to become.




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